Yes, it's no secret around here that I am a huge fan of Internet reviewers, particularly the members of That Guy With The Glasses and their associated reviewers. To name a particular few, I'm an avid fan of the Nostalgia Critic, the Nostalgia Chick, Linkara of Atop the 4th Wall (Where Bad Comics Burn), the Cinema Snob (and Brad Jones' spinoff shows DVR Hell and Brad Tries...), and Diamanda Hagan (All Hail the Lecher Bitch!). I don't miss a single episode of some of these reviewers, while others have episodes that I pick and choose over other reviews of theirs. It was the Nostalgia Critic's reviews that helped me through some hard times in my life when I really needed a good laugh, and after some time I came to enjoy other shows on the site. TGWTG, I love you and God bless you guys for constantly bringing the internet funny.
Recently Lindsay, otherwise known as the Nostalgia Chick, put out a video about her top ten guilty pleasure films. On that list were a good number of films I'd never seen, some I'd never heard of, and a few that were guilty pleasures of my own. And that got me to thinking about my own guilty pleasures. Why do I like some of the terrible things I do, and how do I justify them to people who would look at me and say, "Really, Sugary? You like THAT?" Well, the short answer would be for me to tell them to fuck off, closely followed by a demand for something deep fried and smothered in chocolate because I legitimately get that bitchy when I PMS, but the long answer is a list of my own guilty pleasures, things I can't believe I actually like when I KNOW they're bad from experience, whether I walked in knowing they were no good or they later fell out of favor for me.
Now, I'd like to stress that it's not that any of the items I've listed here are bad because they're bad. Camp itself isn't bad, and neither is something that is trying to do something and just hits the mark, becoming a stinker in the process. Those types of things become easy to justify, because hey - nothing's perfect, and laughing at the shortcomings of others is a good way to remind yourself that you're not perfect, either. It's important to have guilty pleasures because it reminds us to think about ourselves, why we're flawed. It's flaws that make us human and flaws that make us unique - so what if we secretly adore the Twilight Saga or the goofier, campier Silver Age comics where Batman wore a rainbow Batsuit and the Joker had a gag utility belt? Everyone has 'em, and here's ten of mine, from most justifiable to "Damn, what in the hell am I thinking?!"
10: Batman (Sixties TV series). Yes, the campy as hell one. Yeah, so what, there are a lot of people that like this one, Sugary. Well, thing is, I'm a Batman fan. And I'm more or less a fan of serious Batman comics, the original noir flavor with the dark elements in it. I like my Dark Knight to actually be dark, I like the villains to be serious threats, and I like the stories to have real gravitas to them. I like them best when they balance how unrealistic some of the comic aspects are with the seriousness of a detective story, and that's why I like Batman: Arkham Asylum so much in particular. The idea of the Joker shooting people up with a drug that makes them into literal monsters is ludicrous, but it really, really works, because it's believable for the character. The tension works well, just as it works in classic Batman tales like The Long Halloween (which is more a straight whodunnit, where as Arkham Asylum is more like what some people call a howcatchem). Batman is also known as the World's Greatest Detective, and he's called that for a very good reason - I feel that his best tales should essentially be detective stories, because Batman is not just someone who fights crime but also solves crime. That's not to say I don't like the campy stuff or the Silver Age stuff, I do, but you can see how someone might look at a Bat-fan like me and say, "So, why do you like the Sixties TV show again?" And to that I say, "Cesar Romero in clown make-up with his mustache showing, Frank Gorshin's Riddler cackle, and Burgess Merideth's squawking Penguin laughter. Also, Vincent Price as Egghead. You're welcome." And then I say, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb!", do the Batusi, and run off laughing. Thing is, you have to laugh at your fandom, and I think a LOT of Batman fans in particular know that. The Sixties show was a product of its time, and it shows, and yes it's campy as hell. But that's what makes it fun and funny to watch. Yes, Batman is supposed to be a brooding vigilante crusading for justice in a nearly lawless city and he deserves to be portrayed that way in a serious endeavor. But that doesn't mean the fans have to be that serious.
9: Eragon (film - the book's really not as bad as the film makes it look). Yes, this film is awful, even though the plot was fine (albeit a bit of a Star Wars ripoff). I mean, for the love of God, they made Durza like 30 years old and he ages halfway through the movie from evil deterioration disease rather than exploding like he does in the book, which is a lot cooler. They don't go into Durza's interesting backstory. They ruined the Ra'zac entirely by making them these bug zombie things. Saphira has feathery freaking wings that look dislocated based on where they positioned them in relation to her shoulder blades, and she has full horns that biologically would only make sense for a male dragon to have. Princess Arya, an elven princess, doesn't have elf ears, because the directors "didn't want them to look like Lord of the Rings elves" (stupid fucking excuse, and no you do not get a goddamn pass for trying to be creative, because this is NOT CREATIVITY). They don't explain that Galbatorix's black dragon, shown at the end, is HIS dragon that he stole from another Rider. They don't even explain that Galbatorix WAS a rider! The love interest of Eragon's older brother is gone entirely, Solembum the werecat (my favorite character) is missing, they cut out the dwarves entirely, and the goddamn brisingr spell, which casts fire, is blue! Why the fuck is it blue, movie?! WHY?! But, for all the nerd rage this movie brings me... I like it. In the end it's still a film about a boy and his dragon on a quest to save the world, and my love of dragons always wins over nerd rage. There were some good aspects of the film, too. Jeremy Irons as Eragon's mentor worked just fine, and the orcs had a decent design to them. The cinematography of the film was actually pretty decent, even if it did smack too much of Lord of the Rings, but what do you want, people? It's a High Fantasy film with elves, orcs, and dragons in it; there's not a lot you can do with it that hasn't been done by Lord of the Rings. That's an unfair comparison and you know it. I know it's a bad film in general, but it's still fun to watch it and tear it apart for being so bad. It's like your own personal MST3k episode. In fact, I think there's even a RiffTrax out there for this movie... might have to go looking for that.
8: The Phantom of the Opera (2004 film). I'm sorry, phans, oh Lord am I sorry. Yes, the one with Gerard Butler in it. As a pretty darned serious PotO fan, I'm so ashamed of this one that it hurts. Feel free to lynch me now if you really, really must. But the more I think about why this is so hated and therefore a guilty pleasure for me, the more I wonder why it's considered so damn bad. Okay, yes, it has its issues, but they're funny issues. If you cannot laugh at the ludicrousness of Fop Raoul's shiny hair, then I'm pretty sure you're not human. The story itself isn't all that ruined either - the core scenes of the musical are still there, with some additions even - the mirror room Raoul falls into after the scene where Erik unveils Don Juan Triumphant is probably the closest a modern Phantom adaptaion got to the torture room sequence in the novel - clearly, someone did their homework on this, even if not as much of the novel got in as I would have otherwise liked. Plus, the songs are still all there from the musical and still mostly intact even if the lyrics are changed a bit. And some of the talent is better in the movie (I said SOME, not ALL) - for example, I actually liked the way Film!Meg sung her parts of Angel of Music better than OLC! Meg (Original London Cast! Meg) does, and Emmy Rossum does a much better job at portraying the sensual trance-like state that the Phantom's voice can induce rather than Sarah Brightman's creepy doll stare. To me, Emmy's "Ooh my ears are being pleasured by your voice, Erik" trance is far better than "Blank stare like a deer in the headlights" trance, because the latter, no offence to Sarah Brightman fans, looks unrealistic and fake and like she cannot act entranced to save her life. No, the songs aren't sung as well as the Broadway musical, and Gerry can't hold a magical self-lighting, floating sewer candle to Michael Crawford's original performance, but the performers tried. You can tell they tried their best with the shitty directing that Schumacher gave them and attempted to do something with it. Was Emmy Rossum right for the role of Christine? No, she didn't have the right voice yet. Was Gerry the right choice for Erik? No, he's too beautiful and he's an actor, not a singer. Was the Masquerade scene, my favorite bit of Phantom, blander than the stage show? Yes it was. But overall, it's really NOT that terrible and it stands on its own as a love story, even if it is a bland, watered-down one. The film still kept the spirit of Phantom, and that's what counts to me. Much like the precalculus student who studies their ass off and only barely passes the class with a D-minus, this film tried its best with what it had even when it made blatant errors, and sometimes, that's all you can do.
7: The graphic novel Joker. Unlike the 2004 Phantom film, I legitimately do get why people don't like this one - it portrays the Joker as being out of character from what we knew him to be at the time in the comics. For one, he ends up crying while clinging to Harley, who is a hooker in this one, which is just fucking NO Harley does NOT have that much power in their relationship. For another, he rapes a woman. It's not even implied, it actually shows him dressing back up afterwards with the traumatized victim nearby. I've said this before and will say it again: rape is just such an un-Jokerish crime to me, because the Joker knows that he can do way better than that. Any two-bit criminal can rape a woman. But not every criminal can leave their victims smiling, or poison a whole city, or break out of Arkham a hundred times, and that is what makes the Joker and other supervillains different from your run of the mill thieves, murderers and drug-dealers. Rape to the Joker is the lowest form of crime just as a bad pun is the lowest form of humor, and that is why the Joker generally does not rape people for all of the numerous other atrocities he's committed. Yes, the Joker looks WAY too much like Heath Ledger's version for my comfort, even if it was coincidental. No, it's not what the Joker's character is like; no, it's not a very good look at a "hardcore" Gotham City; yes, the protagonist is nothing special; yes I know there's a rape scene in it that is so OOC for the Joker it's painful, but... well, I have a soft spot for it. It does have some good qualities to it, such as the artwork. Oh my God, the artwork is just beautiful; it portrays everything with stomach-churning detail and really makes you feel how sick and smoggy and dirty Gotham is. You can see the veins in the characters' eyes. You can see every disgusting scale on Killer Croc's body and almost imagine what it must feel like. It is gorgeous artwork and the GN deserves cred just for that. Another thing is the nostalgia factor - it was my first GN, my first Batman tale, my first foray into the comics. It was my easing into the comic books because I identified that Joker as being rather similar to Heath Ledger's just in his anarchic world view alone. Like your first drink of alcohol, that was a "growing-up" moment for me as a Joker fan, because it now meant that I could explore other facets of the character and discuss the character seriously with other fans. It meant I was no longer part of the droves of Ledger fangirls that saw the film to giggle over how hot Heathie was, but actually "in on the joke", so to speak, the joke that other Comic!Joker fans already had known for years. Quite simply, despite being a poor portrayal of the character (which I now realize having read many other Joker tales), it was my first step into understanding the complex mosaic that is the Joker. Furthermore, for me it's really, really hard to hate something that tries to approach its mission and fails. It tried to show the Joker in a grittier light and it failed. It tried to tell a good Joker story and failed. It would have worked much better with another villain, maybe Two-Face, but in the end, it still tried to do something different. It set a bar, and instead of clearing it, it completely knocked the bar off of the limbo trees. But to me, hating it for failing to hit its mark is almost like hating a puppy that chews up your shoes. Yes, your shoes are ruined, but there are other, much better shoes out there, shoes called Batman: The Killing Joke and The Laughing Fish to take off the sting of losing a single pair.
6: Nicki Minaj. Yes, I will admit this even though I'm slightly ashamed of it... I like Nicki Minaj. I don't know WHY I like Nicki Minaj, but I like Nicki Minaj. She doesn't have the interesting electric soundscapes and flair that Lady Gaga has, she doesn't have the quirky, sugary pop star feel that Katy Perry does (thank God because I cannot STAND Katy Perry at all), and she doesn't even really experiment with her music. She sort of raps, but it's not rap. She's sort of a pop star, but almost like a parody of BritPop. She sounds kind of like that chick in "Pump Up the Jam" (yeah, REALLY showing my age now) when she does the rap segments of her songs, and her songs are particularly interesting, deep, or emotionally grabbing. She's quirky, but not enough to stand out. She's different, but not enough to make a difference. She's a pop singer and she's overdone and I know everyone's imitating her right now, but then again, "M-m-my my, / Like pelican fly". There's just something about that line that works for me in "SuperBass". I don't understand why, because it's a stupid line, but it works. She's paired up with other artists as a guest and it adds an interesting touch to an otherwise all electronic song. Maybe it's because she's British, maybe it's because she's a female "rapper", maybe it's because she blends styles and I really admire artists who blend styles to stick out in general, I dunno. At least she's trying something a bit different, sort of like how Red Hot Chili Peppers blends funk, rap, and rock to make a sound all their own, or how Led Zeppelin experimented with different styles. Seriously, go listen to "Shangri-La", then "Trampled Under Foot", and then "Stairway To Heaven"; they don't even sound like the same band did all three songs let alone have the same sound, and if it weren't for the lead singer's voice being instantly identifiable, a person who has never heard these songs would never guess that they're all Led Zeppelin songs. I guess I like Nicki Minaj because she's instantly identifiable in a song - in fact, I thought for a while that the sound-alike song "Broken-Hearted" actually was one of her songs until I looked up the real artist online; it's some lame-ass wannabe named Karmen or whatever. Okay, she's still a pop star and still a bit obnoxious and I understand why people dislike her. But still... "M-m-my my, / Like pelican fly." You're lying to yourself if you say you don't think that lyric is even a little bit amusing in some way, even if it's only amusing because of how bad it is.
5: Ke$ha. She's in here for a lot of the same reasons as Nicki up there. So why did I put Nicki higher up on the list than Ke$ha? Because I can't believe I actually like anything by this overblown, gross, disgusting pop singer, and at least Nicki Minaj isn't gross-looking, just fake and pop-star-looking. Ke$ha legitimately sucks. Her voice isn't even that good, her songs are stupidly ear-wormy party anthems, and for the love of God, if you're dancing so hard that your body goes numb, that is not a sign of you being forever young - that is a sign that you need to go to the hospital like right the fuck now because seriously I think you've imbibed so much alcohol that your liver is about to fail. Furthermore, rooster feathers in your hair are pretty freaking dumb. Okay, they look kind of cool when they're part of a weave or a braid or something, but when you just have a mess of them anywhere in your already unkempt-looking hair, it looks like you fell asleep in a henhouse. Feather earrings are cute, rooster feather extensions when Ke$ha wears them are gross. Glitter on your eyes and ripped up stockings don't make you look "sick and sexy-fied", they make you look like a prostitute who has had a much rougher night than usual. Nobody in their right mind brushes their teeth with Jack Daniels, and if Mick Jagger ever was attractive, he's certainly not attractive anymore. I by no means like every single song she puts out, far from it. In fact, I only like two songs by her, "Blow" and "Take It Off". The former, I have on my music list, and the latter I crank way the hell up whenever it comes on the radio. Yeah, they're no better than any other Ke$ha song, but dammit, they're just so catchy! I love that background noise in "Blow". I love the fact that in "Take It Off", Ke$ha adds that in the strip club "They go hardcore / And there's glitter on the floor", almost as if the floor glitter is an afterthought. I love the fact that she even wrote a song about a strip club and it actually got airplay on the radio. I love the fact that both songs are just so, so danceable. I know that she's terrible, yes, but even a terrible singer can put out a few decent songs every so often. Just look at Britney Spear's recent song "Criminal". Holy pig balls, I have never heard a more apt Harley/Joker song in my entire life ever. Even a good artist, like Adele (whom I freaking love to bits, "Rumour Has It" is seriously like sex for the ears it's so good), can put out a song that's not as good as the rest of her stuff like "Someone Like You" (yes, it's a good song, but to me there are other songs on that album, like "Rolling In The Deep", that convey the idea of a relationship falling apart much better). The point is, sometimes you find songs that just stick and sound right musically, songs that are catchy, songs you like for whatever reason - and for me, Ke$ha, an otherwise worthless pop star, has at least two. I don't necessarily like Korn either, but I think "Freak on a Leash" is still a pretty okay song anyway. Also, why do I mostly dislike bands and singers with names that begin with the letter K? O.o
4: How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000 film). I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. This film is far more inferior to the Tom Jones animated cartoon, and yet I still have a bit of a soft spot for it. I can't even explain why I like this one, it's just so bad and I know it's bad. The film basically became about Jim Carrey hamming it up in a green Wookiee costume with some shoehorned-in plot about the commercialization of Christmas, and it just. Doesn't. Work. It's got a scene of the Mayor kissing a dog's ass. It's got a scene of the Grinch landing in a lady Who's boobies. It's by NO means a good film, and I know it's not a good film, but for some reason I still kind of like it. Maybe it's the Nostalgia filter, maybe it's the fact that it's Jim Carrey and I am a stupid sucker for Jim Carrey hamming it up like nobody else hams it up, maybe it's how incredibly over-acted his Grinch is, how he chews the scenery like nobody's business to the point it gets obnoxious and then goes back to being funny again. I really wish I had an answer for you, but I just don't. I guess the art direction was unique, it being a Seuss film, and I suppose the "commercialized Christmas" idea was an interesting theme to explore (if a bit of an overly common theme for a Christmas flick)... Nah, I think it really comes down to Jim Carrey. Sorry, but he was funny in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, he was funny in The Mask, he was funny in Bruce Almighty, in A Series of Unfortunate Events, and in Batman Forever, and he's still funny in How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Maybe I'm just a stupid sucker for Jim Carrey being the largest of all hams, and that's all there is to it, because that's about the most coherant reason I can give for this film being one of my guilty pleasures. Which brings me to my next guilty pleasure...
3: The Joel Schumacher Batman films. Yes, I actually sort of like the horrible, campy cheese of Batman Forever and Batman and Robin. Now, Jim Carrey almost sort of saves Batman Forever, because he just plays such a hammy Riddler that it almost sort of works. You can tell that the director meant for it to be less serious and it shows, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing because of it. Yeah it's dumb and campy, but it's campy in the same way as the Sixties TV show, and the Riddler was actually made into a real threat in Batman: Arkham Asylum and was an even bigger threat in Arkham City, so that does take off a bit of the sting for me. So, yeah, it's dumb, yeah it was watered down for the kiddies, but there's a reason it still gets airplay and the film that comes after it does not, and that reason is Jim Carrey. Seriously, Jim Carrey as the Riddler just has to be seen to be believed; it's almost like Frank Gorshin's Riddler and Comic!Joker had a weird, nightmarish lovechild, and that lovechild was a rubber-faced riddle-spouting sparkly spandex-wearing freak of nature (Riddler/Joker, now THERE'S a slash pairing I'll bet you never thought would work). But yet, I still have a soft spot for Batman and Robin's brand of bad, because it's just. So. Bad. There are so, so many reasons this film is so bad that it wraps right around to being funny again. The Bat-nipples and Bat-asses and Bat-crotches are terrible and stupid and unneeded; even the actors thought they were dumb. Poison Ivy is so unsexy in that film it hurts. Bane has been pretty much lobotomized, because that's the only reason I can think of for why the guy who broke the shit out of Batman's fucking back is walking around mumbling like a dopey, souped-up henchman for Ivy. The Governator as Mr. Freeze with his terrible, terrible ice puns. Robin's whiny, annoying complaints about wanting a car and a Robin signal up with the Batsignal. The fact that absolutely everything in the Batcave, whether it needs to be or not, is Bat-shaped for no good reason. The fact that there is freaking neon in the Batcave. "This is why Superman works alone." Watching Ivy sell herself at a prostitution auction and then watching Bruce and Dick fight over it. The Bat-Credit-Card. I have no justification for liking either of these films besides "They're so bad, they're good." In the end, I think it all comes down to the ice puns, I'm a sucker for the ice puns because I have a horrid love of bad puns, which is yet another guilty pleasure of mine. I don't know why. It's just so, so camp... so camp. Just... "What killed the dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE!" For me, that line never stops being so bad it's good for me. Never. And come on, Jim Carrey. As. The Riddler. So much ham and cheese. Sooooo much.
2: The first Michael Bay Transformers film. I hate Michael Bay. I didn't grow up with Transformers and I admittedly didn't know much about the series beforehand other than that it was an Eighties thing and the idea of robots transforming into vehicals was really freaking awesome, but he has single-handedly ruined the Transformers franchise and he is the reason I didn't see Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon or whatever it's called. The second Transformers film left me so burned with the robo-sex scene, the pot brownies, those two redneck robots, and "I am directly underneath the enemy's scrotum!" that I just never, never went back. Okay, so that's a lie - I was forced to sit with my family and watch part of the third film, but by the time it got to that Asian-American insurgent dude shouting "Deep Wang, Deep Wang" at Sam, I was all, "Fuck it, I'm done, this movie blows and it's clearly not getting any better." Seriously, "Deep Wang"? What happened, Michael Bay, did you make it to the seventh grade and then completely stopped growing up altogether? That's not that funny. Neither was giving the giant Robot in the second film stupid, steel balls. You are a hack, and you have ruined the Transformers franchise, end of story. Though... I will admit that the first Transformers film was actually sort of okay. Yeah I know, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but... the first one actually felt like it tried. It felt like it was trying to broach the franchise seriously and it kept the stupid prepubescent jokes to a minimum. I can count the juvenile jokes stupid enough to remember that were made in Transformers on a single hand, and they include 1) the masturbation talk gag and 2) Bumblebee peeing oil on that one guy. The rest of the film, as I recall, tried to be pretty serious, and even had some cool effects. Is it a good film? Not really. It stands on its own, but it still doesn't hit the mark for me. Maybe I'd be more insulted if I grew up with the Transformers cartoon series, but I didn't, so this film was actually not a half-bad introduction for me - probably because there was another director attached that wasn't Michael Bay and the script was written by someone who knew what in the hell they were doing with the franchise. There's still a lot it did wrong, like the stupid shit-for-brains parents that have clung onto every film in the series like bits of crap stick to the fur around a dog's butt and the impossibly hot girlfriend that is really just there for Bay to turn into a walking softcore porn scene, but otherwise the first film almost worked. Almost, and that's sad, because in the hands of a director that's not Michael Bay, we could have gotten something out of this series that isn't "I am directly underneath the enemy's scrotum!". The first film tried and almost made it, but it just wasn't enough to save the franchise or itself from being flushed down the toilet along with the utter piles of poo that are is its misbegotten sequel spawn.
1: Scooby-Doo (Live Action film). Cinema!God, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have seen the Live Action Scooby-Doo movie, That Which Is Buried Beneath Its Own Shit, and I have enjoyed it. Yes, I begrudgingly admit to liking the Live Action Scooby-Doo movie even though it tore apart the cartoon series for the sake of immature jokes and is so forgettable that I can't even remember the plot of the damn thing, something about demons taking over a Tiki-themed amusement park or some stupid shit like that. I haven't seen this dumb film since about 2000 or so, and I don't plan on seeing it again, but I still sort of enjoyed it for how stupid and mind-numbing it was. The characters were not in character. The plot didn't work for a Scooby gang mystery. I question why Shaggy never actually grew up and still lives in the Mystery Inc. Van as a stoner with no day job. About the only good thing this movie brought to the table was making that little shit stain Scrappy-Doo be the bad guy, which is actually pretty damn funny because I can't think of a single person who likes that yappy, mangy little mutt that couldn't keep his dumb ass out of danger, relying on the buffoonish cowards Shaggy and Scooby to actually step up to the plate, which I'll admit actually served as a good way of forcing Shaggy and Scooby into facing up to their problems instead of running away from them. At least, it would have worked if Scrappy-I'm-Gonna-Go-Fight-A-Monster-Ten-Times-My-Size-And-Get-My-Uncle-And-His-Stoner-Friend-In-Danger-Because-I'm-An-Idiot-With-A-Napoleon-Complex-Doo didn't get them into the problems in the first fucking place. I love Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? the cartoon series and watched the re-runs obsessively as a kid, I have absolutely no love for Scrappy and never have, and it was great seeing Scrappy be the bad guy in this otherwise stupid film because I and lots of other Scooby fans already suspected he was a stupid waste of space anyway, and having him be the villain was like sweet revenge for us. So in the end, I guess that's why Scooby-Doo is a guilty pleasure for me - because I liked watching Scrappy-Doo get the shit beat out of him. Wow, that's... actually kind of a bit of a heartless thing for me to say there. But it's not really considered animal cruelty if it's a cartoon that everyone hates anyway, is it? No? Oh, good. Now I don't feel so bad about hating that asshole Jerry for getting Tom in trouble when he was only trying to do his job and keep rodents out of the house.