And thus, my issue with "Friendly Reminders". As stated above, they're generally not friendly when done with the intent of slamming others, nor are they just 'reminders' because using them passive-aggressively is a form of attacking that person. And as I think we all can agree, walking up to and punching a person you disagree with does nothing to make them change their attitudes, and everything to make them punch you back or worse, avoid you rather than learn from whatever mistake you perceive them to have made. Furthermore, it's this passive-aggressive attitude that turns people away from Social Justice to start with - the more vehement and bigot-like your statements against bigots are, the more you yourself look prejudiced, and the social divide between minority and majority only deepens. Even if it's just an inch, it does deepen, and over time those inches become miles. We need, as I have stated time and again, to stop looking at differences (whether those be in privileges and oppression or otherwise) and start looking at how injustice affects everyone badly - men and women, straight and LGBT, cis and trans, white and non-white. Everyone is hurt when people are oppressed, not just the oppressed party. I think the current unfortunate trend of the media being very, very Islamophobic with regards to the current ISIS/ISIL issue is clear proof of that. Furthermore, when we use the idea of privilege as a means to push people away or disregard their opinions and statements, we do two very, very bad things: 1) We push people away from the social justice movement and cause them to reinforce their bigoted beliefs as a result, and 2) we are doing the same exact thing that bigots do to minorities on a daily basis. And I think we can all agree that's the absolute opposite of what social justice aims to do, right?
So then why in the hell is there this trend of blaming one specific group for literally everything wrong with the world in the social justice sphere? Specifically, why in the holy mother of God are we fighting oppression by being total dicks to, and talking complete shit about, straight cishet males? Why is that a thing? When did we become so damn prejudiced against this one group of people that just so happens to be the social majority and just so happens to have quite a bit of privilege because of that?
Okay, dumb question, let me rephrase that - why is it that, just because someone happens to have some or multiple instances of privilege, it's somehow okay to attack, invalidate, and demonize them as a whole?
"Oh but it's not all of them, just the bad ones!" As if they are not people, too. "They have oppressed us for decades!" As if that makes being complete assholes to them okay. "But every single one I have ever met has been a bad person, so that makes all of them bad people!" Look at what you're saying - if you said these things about a minority individual, it would be bigoted, and it still is if you're talking about a majority person. Always beware of the fallacy of substituting your experiences for someone else's - I've personally met some very nasty, cruel, callous and outright disgusting minorities, and some kind-hearted, sweet-natured, wonderful majorities. I am Caucasian and I am not a horrible person - in fact I more than most understand where privilege comes from and how nasty oppression can be, because I am part of certain other minorities where yes, I do deal with oppression and me being a white person has no meaning whatsoever. Having privilege is not a free pass to never being discriminated against. That just is not how privilege works, and if you think that's how it works, you are extremely ignorant of reality and social justice in general and are probably the kind of person who posts those passive-aggressive "friendly reminders" on Tumblr.
So, here's five friendly reminders of my own for everyone, regardless of experience or privilege, to remember about social justice. Particularly, when discussing the majority or talking with someone who has privilege in one or multiple spheres. I present this for the sake of fostering more open communication, because it's necessary. We need to stop the passive-aggressive nastiness in the social justice world, because you catch way, way more flies with honey - especially when the alternative is vinegar poured into old, chafing wounds on both sides of the debate. This should not be a war, this should be something we all can agree on and work towards. Let's start with these:
- Friendly reminder that a person having privilege(s) does not mean they understand they do or willfully act on it. A person can have privilege without being aware they have it. A person can act privileged without realizing they are doing so. Not everything done by someone with privilege is willful ignorance or bigotry. If someone trips and hits you in the face by accident, it is not even remotely the same as someone punching you in the face because they think you're a terrible person. In the same way, someone exhibiting a microaggressive action - for example, saying "That's so gay" to describe something that is pointless or stupid in front of an actual LGBT person they do not know is LGBT - is not the same as someone purposefully attacking you - for example, someone bullying a gay teenager because they're gay. They are both problematic and you still get hurt either way, but the difference is in intent, and yes, no matter what some SJW says to you, intent fucking matters. The first person hurt you and didn't mean to, and if asked not to do it again or to apologize probably will think about it the next time. The second person definitely meant to hurt you, or at least felt the need to attack. And as we all know, the need to attack is generally a result of feeling attacked. Bigots are afraid of otherness, they feel attacked by it. That's why they act like bigots. But people who make mistakes or don't know any better are not bigots. They're just ignorant, and you punching them in the face over an innocent mistake or them not knowing any better is not okay. In fact, it's just like punching a small child in the space for spilling his drink in that it's kind of a really shitty thing to do. So don't do it.
- Friendly reminder that a person having privilege(s) does not mean they are privileged everywhere else. Look at the nearest white male sitting next to you. What do you really know about that person and their life? Do you know they are cishet? Do you know they are not dealing with a mental illness? Do you know they are affluent, Christian, or able-bodied? That white male could be autistic and experience oppression because of that. They could be dealing with a self-harm or drug addiction or financial problems. They might be gay and female for all you know, and your one casual judgement of that person has misgendered and mislabeled them - the very same shit that we're supposed to not be doing. And take this from a depressed, anxious person - just because someone looks outwardly fine does not mean they are inwardly. Just because a person is privileged does not mean they have not dealt with stigma from somewhere else and do not have any idea where you're coming from. I myself have been called a "spaz" for my anxiety disorder making me high-strung and easily provoked. I have been told my depression is "all in my head" and that I need to "just cheer up/get out and do something/get off the computer". I have been told that I am crazy and have no reason for my issues... by people who are fighting for the same causes I am fighting for. Why? Because I am white. As if me being white negates all the prejudice I have experienced as a pansexual, mentally ill, agnostic woman. If you are the type of person that believes that kind of shit is okay to do to others, then you are a bigot, end of.
- Friendly reminder that a person having privilege does not mean it is okay to dismiss/invalidate their experiences or otherwise be an asshole to them. Holy fuck, why do people do this? I will absolutely never understand what happens in the human brain when someone says, "Oh well you can't be an asshole towards me, but your kind have been assholes to my kind in the past, therefore I get to be an asshole to you all I want and you can do nothing about it." Newsflash, folks - assholes are gross. It doesn't matter who the asshole is, or what sort of asshole they are, they all spew shit. If you are being bigoted towards a minority, you're an asshole. If you're being nasty towards someone who is not a minority, you're an asshole. If you're being an asshole, you are an asshole. A white, cishet male's experiences with being shat on are not any less valid than your experiences with being shat on just because they are a white, cishet male. You do not have the right to tell someone else their opinion is invalid or their feelings on an issue do not matter - ever. Especially not on an issue like social justice, because that is an issue that affects everyone. Do not invalidate white people wh0 say they have experienced racism, because they can and do. Do not tell men they cannot be raped, because they can - up to 4% who dare to admit so have said "yes" to the question "Have you ever felt coerced into having sex?", according to the CDC. Do not dismiss a cishet for feeling hurt or less than human because an LGBT person said they and their entire majority group were subhuman scum. Hurt is hurt, pain is pain, and just because the shit you are buried in is a different color or amount than someone else does not make the shit someone else is buried in any less disgusting. And by the way, if you're the kind of person who thinks it's okay mock someone for being upset over being hurt by bigotry regardless of who that person is, please do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the face - the world will be a better place without your nastiness in it.
- Friendly reminder that oppression, bias, and bigotry can be perpetrated against/by anyone. I personally have six male friends who have been sexually assaulted or abused, while I fortunately never have. I personally know Christians who have been to places in the world where they are considered evil or oppressed for their belief system to the point they are not allowed to talk about it, under penalty of death. I personally know people with mentally ill family members or friends who experience stigma solely because they know a mentally ill person, not even because they themselves are mentally ill. I personally have had a middle school principal tell my mother I was a racist just for reporting some bullies who were hurting me that happened to have a different amount of melanin in their skin than me. I have personally seen cishets on Tumblr turn to self-harm or suicide because they literally felt they were "cishet scum" that did not deserve to live or be happy, all because they were born straight and in a body that matched their gender identity. None of this is alright, it is just as not alright as it would be were it perpetrated against a minority individual, and if you think any of the above is more okay or worse yet, made up just because the people involved have privilege somewhere, then you are a shitty, bigoted human being. You are literally gross and need to leave earth as soon as possible. Go live on Skaro or something, I hear there's set of individuals pretty well suited for your beliefs there.
- Friendly reminder that everyone is hurt by social injustice, minority and majority alike. When people dismiss birth control, men are hurt just as much as women because they too could be burdened with a child they may not be able to financially take care of (nothing is stopping the woman from leaving and abandoning the dad with the child, after all). When congress passes laws against same-sex marriage, straight couples are hurt by the financial burdens of LGBT couples who cannot get the same economic benefits or recognition, and the government loses money as a result. When a black kid is shot by a white man, both white and non-white individuals are hurt as racial tensions, violence, and debate between these groups escalate. When a Muslim turns on the TV and is told they are evil by the news simply for their beliefs, a Christian down the street watching the same news station is told they must fear their neighbor and anyone else like them. When a person with depression ends their life due to being bullied, everyone who knew that person suffers regardless of their mental wellness. Just because one group is more stigmatized or affected by something than another, does not mean that the other group does not get affected by it. This stuff ripples through society like a pebble dropped in a pond, and as a result, everyone suffers when injustice is perpetrated. It is never just one group or one person, and to believe it's an "Us vs. Them" issue or to blame one side for a whole complicated, messy issue is oversimplifying the issue. You cannot degrade a water molecule into oxygen and hydrogen by heating it up, that just makes pressure and steam. In the same way, you cannot break down the barriers between social strata and fight injustice by spewing hate. It doesn't work that way.
Just like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once so famously said, "Darkness does not drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate does not drive out hate, only love can do that." It's time to take that message to heart. It's time to move past "Us vs. Them", and to start focusing on how we can make things better for all of us. Are you up to the challenge?